welcome to my perfect life

I love the rain. not the misty drizzle-type rain, but the thundering, gushing, fierce rain that leaves everything soaking wet and gives everything a thorough cleaning. That's why i like the rain, because it feels like it can clean anything. right now its washing away the sand and the dirt from our window-panes and our front steps and its cleaning out the despair and worry in my heart. I wish that everytime they made me feel worthless, like nothing and ashamed to be who I am, that it would rain and rain until any memories were washed away.

[i wish everything could be clean again]

i wish you were here

autumn holidays are upon us. what to do...what to do...sleep, mostly. and cram college work in at the end. sounds like my kind of holiday. It really did begin well, a night with R lastnight, lunch with B today and then a market with V in the morning. lovely.

G has left again, and i feel empty again. ohmygosh it really does feel awful when I cant see him every day [or even every second day] i'm trying to fill the lost-ness with chicken and avo wraps [dont freak out or anything but ive had 3 of those today]I just want to tell him this:

thats all

your will be done

my heart has sunk into a dark place and my mind is restless.the trust you worked so hard to cultivate in me is gone (you are just like the others before) am i ever going to smile again? im amongst the despair and the hope i feel [the hope im clinging to] i have you remind myself "your will be done" and it doesnt take my pain away. but it makes me remember that there is still someone who loves me. yesterday, today and forever. He will never change.